Love conquers all

We have all been thru’ valentines’ day this week. I am sure all of you here have a story of your own to share about this. I have mine too. I preferred cash over a rose that cost 150.

Valentine’s Day, also called Saint Valentine’s Day or the Feast of Saint Valentine, has its Origin as a Western Christian feast day honouring martyred saints named Valentinus.  It is celebrated annually on February 14 as a significant cultural and religious feast day. It is not a public holiday in any country.

The custom of sending cards, flowers, chocolates and other gifts originated in the UK.

In Norfolk, a character called ‘Jack’ Valentine knocks on the rear door of houses leaving sweets and presents for children. Although he was leaving treats, many children were scared of this mystical person. The enigmatic Mr or Mrs Valentine disappears into thin air after knocking at the door and dropping off their gifts. It is unclear when this mystery figure first emerged but children are as likely as adults to receive a visit. This is the only surviving Norfolk ritual,

With concentrated marketing effort, Valentine’s Day is recognised now as a commercial celebration of romance and romantic love. Valentine’s Day celebrations did not catch on in India until around 1992. It was spread due to dedicated programs in commercial TV and radio channels, love letter competitions and the explosion of the valentine card industry. This has caused a sharp change in how people display their affection in public.

Love – Love encompasses a variety of different emotional and mental states, typically strong and positive. It can be ranging from the deepest interpersonal affection to the simplest of pleasures.

Conquer – Conquering is to overcome and take control of a place or people by force. This is synonymous with triumph, overpower or overthrow, subdue or subjugate

I see Love conquers all as an oxymoron. Oxymoron is two words used together that have exactly the opposite meanings.

The recent movie Padmavath was about love conquering  all …. at what cost!

In fact, in a few cases Love is not able to conquer minor personality differences between a couple.

In a lot of cases, Love is  not able to handle financial stress a couple may have in their relationship.

In majority of cases, Love cannot do anything if a couple is unable to communicate with each other properly.

And in almost all the cases, Love is not enough to help someone overlook the betrayal that comes with infidelity.

I haven’t experienced any of these personally. Do I thank Love for that ?

I have been loved, and loved unconditionally.

I have been loved profoundly and insanely for everything I am and  not what I can or cannot offer the person who loves  me back.

Can love be given or can it be earned ? Can love find you or can you achieve love?

I believe that love is one and all of these.

It cannot be confined. It can’t be faked.

It can however be given and shared. It can be contagious at times.

When you stumble upon it, you need to grab it and enjoy it.

Love is like a hug and a kiss, you need to share it to enjoy it.

Love is not restrictive to people. It can also be for things, places and experiences.

We experience it in everyday life but more often than not seem not to notice it.

I noticed love in the form of gratitude for my domestic help this morning when she came earlier than usual especially when there was a pile of dishes.

I fell head over heals in love with Dhruva, my 3 year old nephew when he explored the adventure of a sleepover with me a few weeks ago.

I have experienced  love from my mother-in-law When I was sick and in bed, she was treating me with solicitude, bringing me cups of tea, and handing me tissues all day.

As important as where Love comes from, it is equally important where it goes and who you share it with.

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Mind

One’s mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.

As we hear new ideas, not only do we have new places to explore, our minds are often drawn there. To explore this new open space is almost an imperative. We may not always find this new space useful, but we still notice this new space. Even if you don’t pursue the idea, your mind is no longer the same size, it has been stretched.

Our minds are never going to return to the size they were before. And that is the point of the quote.

I had a date with my friend Suman on a friday. We had lunch together, hung out at a coffee shop and later did some quick shopping. The plan for that day was to spend the whole day together. The shopping was quick as I had to beat the traffic and get to St Marks Road by 6.15 latest. He quite couldn’t understand why or what it was that I was so keen on attending without being late. The fact that I hadn’t shared this part of my life with him so far, he being my BFF is a story for another time and place.

I had told him that I had a very important meeting to attend, the place was next to MTR on St Marks Road and that he had to pick me up at 8.30 pm. As I was walking to BTMC, we ran into each other infront of MTR. That was one of the many planned coincidences that we share.

Even as we entered the gates, I knowing fully well that our friday night date would be amongst 70+ people and he very skeptical to be spending friday evening in a place called Ashirvad. He picked a seat on the last row, while I got into setting up the camera and making sure that I had everything I needed to record the minutes.

Just at the strike of 6.30, when the meeting began, I looked to my right to find Suman sitting in row 2 a few seats away. We exchanged glances and he still had no idea what this evening held in store.

As the SAA started and the camera started rolling and the proceedings of the evening started unveiling, I could not share any more glances with him, as he seemed too involved to be distracted by glances.

It was an evening with a CC3, a CC7 and a technical presentation.

During the break, all that he had to ask me was – “ why is this a well kept secret ”. He listened in rapt attention to every detail that the VP Education had to share with the guests. He made mental notes of questions for me. During the table topics, He was so involved that he lost track of time.

Our dinner date was about the 2 hrs, we spent more than 2 hrs talking and reliving his first experience at BTMC. In Suman’s words, -“ its was an exhilarating evening. Intellectual, informative and entertaining all together.” He came with not knowing what he was going to see or hear and the image he takes back home is – “it is a platform for anyone and everyone, where you get to meet people from every walk of life. They come with varying degrees of experiences and knowledge. A place where you learn by listening to others experiences.” He said he imagined himself at a dinner party hosted by Chinese people when Nithin shared his knowledge and experience during the presentation about etiquette at a chines dinner table.

Suman’s mind, that evening was stretched by that much more to accomodate the happenings at BTMC. No matter what he or anyone tries, Suman cannot completely ignore the new information and the influence it had on him.

Take a moment and think about the last week or two. What new things have you learned, what are some of the new ideas to which have you been exposed to? Can you see how your mind has been changed, stretched even if just a little? Can you completely ignore the new information, or do you now think of it when making a choice where the idea might have an influence?

Like a baby’s first steps and first run, like an older child’s first ride on a bicycle without training wheels, or like a teenager’s first solo drive in the car, once we have experienced the expanding of our limits, life is different, and it will never be the same.

What do you plan to do to stretch your mind? What new ideas will you pursue?
It’s up to you to learn new things and expand your mind.

Are you an introvert and an aspiring public speaker? 5 public speaking tips for introverts.

Introverts are thought to be shy and naive people. Even though this isn’t always the case, they’re usually the quiet type that make better listeners than talkers. While listening, they’re able to understand the other person’s need by paying proper attention and relating with their story through deep thoughts and feelings. public speaking isn’t something […]

via Are you an introvert and an aspiring public speaker? 5 public speaking tips for introverts. — JESSICAHUGOINSPIRE.

Thoughts and Emotions

Thoughts occur in the mind, but they cause emotions that are felt in the body. If we can transfer our awareness from the mind to the sensations in the body, the mind will quieten and the body will relax.

It was the year 2003, I was enjoying my first job in a design studio in Auckland. It was the first time that I savoured the taste of the disposable income. It was a cold saturday afternoon when the hubby was in a mood to accompany me when I went shopping, not to the super market but the shopping mall. I was overjoyed at the thoughts of getting driven around and didn’t have to take the public transport. Public transport to this day in Auckland on a weekend is very bad. I had planned my day and I had also spotted the jumper that I wanted to buy. I was looking forward to a new scarf and the jumper which seen that they were both on sale this weekend.

As I was getting ready to go, the thought crossed my mind that I should remove the long chain with the ruby pendant because I would be trying on several clothes. Yet, I went ahead and didn’t remove them as both the chain and the pendant meant a lot to me. My husband gave me the chain as a wedding gift and the ruby pendant was a gift from my mom on my 18th Birthday. I reminded myself to be careful while changing dresses.

It was the first time we had gone shopping since I had stated working. I treated my husband for lunch even thought it was in a food court. We were celebrating small wins and were happy the ways things were falling into place. Life was good.

Back home standing in front of the mirror and admiring the scarf and trying out different ways to wear it, to my horror, I didn’t see the reflection of the ruby pendant dangling from my chain. There was no chain.

I was immediately transformed, the panic mode button was ON. we drove back to the mall and checked all the changing rooms, spoke to the person who had just finished vacuuming the place and went to the counter

I was so upset with myself that an old habit of severely clenching my jaws came back to bother me. I woke up in the morning with my gums throbbing with pain. For me, any kind of upset shows up in tightly clenched jaws. At times, the clenching is so strong that I have cracked a tooth because of it.

The body is intimately linked to our thoughts and emotions. Thoughts, in general  are linked to our brain. When we think, when we stress, we can feel a physical strain on the brain.Thoughts, in turn, are intimately linked to emotions, so much so, that they are like two sides of a coin – not Mutually Exclusive.

Pick any thought and linked to it will be an emotion. Sometimes, the emotion is subtle. You have to be really watchful to become aware of the emotion. But it is always present, linked to every thought.

What are thoughts?

Thoughts are mental cognitions, our ideas, opinions, and beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. They include the perspectives we bring to any situation or experience that color our point of view.

An example of a long-lived thought is an attitude, which develops as thoughts are repeated over and over and reinforced.

While thoughts are shaped by life experiences, genetics, and education, they are generally under conscious control. In other words, if you are aware of your thoughts and attitudes, you can choose to change them.

What are emotions?

Emotions can be defined as the flow and experience of feelings, for example, joy, sadness, anger, or fear. Emotions can be triggered by something external (from seeing a friend suffer or watching a movie) or something internal (an upsetting memory).

While emotions are universal, each person may experience them and respond to them in a different way. Thus responding to an emotion is unique.

What influences emotions?

Researchers such as Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler, authors of Connected, have also found that emotions are “contagious.” We have a tendency to mimic each other’s outward states. For example, by smiling when someone smiles at us, and our outward states can affect our internal state – smiling can actually make you feel happy.

Emotions can also be influenced by other factors:

1. Cultural traditions and beliefs can affect the way a group or an individual expresses emotions. There are some cultures in which it is deemed “bad manners” to express emotions in a way that may be considered healthy and appropriate in other cultures.
2. Genetics can affect the emotional expression of an individual or family. While a person’s genetic makeup cannot be altered, the brain is another story, according to neuroscientist Richard Davidson.  He has identified six distinct “emotional styles” that are based upon the structure of our brains but can be re-shaped with practice.
3. Physical  conditions: Brain tumors, strokes, Parkinson’s disease, Multiple Sclerosis, Alzheimer’s, and metabolic diseases, such as diabetes and thyroid disorders, can cause a person’s emotional responses to change dramatically.

What we think impacts what we feel

Thoughts and emotions have a profound effect on one another. Thoughts can trigger emotions. For example worrying about an upcoming job interview may cause fear .

How we attend to and appraise our lives has an effect on how we feel. For example, a person with a fear of dogs is likely hyperattentive of the dog across the street and appraises the approach of the dog as threatening, which leads to emotional distress. Another person who appraises the dog’s approach as friendly will have a very different emotional response to the same situation.

Can we change our thoughts and emotions?

We tend to believe that emotions are just “part of us” and can’t be changed.  Research, however, has established that emotions are malleable. They can be changed by:

• Altering an external situation
• Shifting our attention
• Re-appraising a situation

How we choose to live our lives has tremendous power over the way we feel every day.

Sonja Lyubomirsky and other positivity researchers have found that 50% of happiness is determined by your “set point,” or genetics, and 10% is determined by your circumstances (finances, health, living situation). The other 40% is based upon your own intentional efforts to become happier, meaning you have a big say in how you feel.

Certain types of mental training, such as mindfulness or positive thinking, can affect our perceptions of the world and make us feel calmer, more resilient, and happier. Other researchers have identified many other helpful attitudes—such as forgiveness, gratitude, and kindness—that can be cultivated with practice.

If you are aware of your thoughts and emotions, you can choose to change them!

 

 

Gender Discrimination

” I don’t want this vacation to end, I wish I had the power to freeze time” said my best friend. I was catching up with her at her parents’ place when she was here on a 4-day holiday a couple of weeks ago.

” I am very lucky and grateful to have gotten an extra 4-day holiday this year.” She was teary at this point. If she wants to visit her parents she needs to seek requisite “GATE PASSES” by informing each and everyone who has a ‘in-law’ suffixed in relation to her irrespective of age. I could see the pain in her eyes, the pain of being deprived of her basic rights. The right to be a  DAUGHTER.

Recently I have heard another friend say, “I hardly visit my Mom these days.” If it was Linda saying this in Auckland, I wouldn’t blink an eye. But when Suman  saw the confused look on my face she felt the need to explain her previous statement. She told me – “The home I grew up in, my parents’ house does not feel the same anymore since my dad’s death. I get her Mom to visit me and spend quality time with me and my kids at our house rather than spending my holidays at my parent’s house. I call it my brother’s house now and not HOME anymore”.

How many of you would agree that this is a very common problem that some Indian married women face? And why do I feel that most of them would prefer to remain quiet?

One thing I strongly detest about Indian marriages is this – marriages in our country aren’t about happiness and contentment of both husband and wife, it’s about how much a woman can compromise and mould herself in her NEW HOME.  Women spend their lives standing on a measuring scale believing that the more their sacrifices weigh, the better wives they become.

For a girl, specially for the ones like me, who don’t want to conform to the age old societal rules, parents are always our first preference and the place where they live is what we call our HOME. Getting married doesn’t change one’s identity – we are the daughters first and everything else later.

When asked if I’d change my name after I got married, I once replied, “But my name is mine just as your name is yours’”. Not that my husband has an unpronounceable last name. His last name is Srinivasan.

My friends from primary school were able to track me down 25 years later on FB using my given name. We had a reunion 8 years ago. All of us have changed so much, we didn’t recognise most of them. The names that were etched in our memories of spending the growing up years together helped. It was a hilarious game to identify the face and link it to the name.

There are many instances when I have been questioned if I was married to my husband. The most recent one in the 2016 when we checked into a hotel in Delhi, not an ordinary one by any standards, it was the Radisson Blue and during the check-in process I was questioned as to why I don’t have the same last name as my husband. I said “coz I choose not to”. It stunned the man who was manning that desk that he apologised later.

I have always been vocal about this which portrays me as an amoral woman to many.  I am mostly greeted with derision and disrespect, by fellow women folks. I fail to understand to this day how a girl’s  “gotra” changes the minute the 3 knots are tied on the sacred thread around your neck. A Gotra is the lineage or clan assigned to a Hindu at birth. The system is patrilineal and the gotra assigned is that of the person’s father. I believe I don’t cease to be my father’s daughter after getting married as my lineage doesnt change.

But most Indians aren’t blessed with this. If we are expected to give utmost importance to our husbands and their families, then our commitments and duties should be given equal priorities. Love and respect, in any form, has to come from within and can never be imposed. And a married woman in India is  victimised for no fault on her part – her aspirations are never esteemed, her wishes not granted and her individuality not respected. I have seen this happen with a  couple of girls.

Most Indian women happily and readily make this sacrifice in the name of being responsible WIVES. I just cant fathom the consequences it follows. If you are willing to sacrifice your Identity, Your parents for others, aren’t you teaching the same to your daughters? The two people, who succeeded in raising a sensible and strong woman, need her now, when they are not physically and mentally as strong as they were earlier. Isn’t it our duty to give them our maximum time and support, instead of trying to portray some pseudo love and peace in the family?

My husband loves me, he definitely  knows my duties towards my parents and lets me  be with them when needed.

If His upbringing was no different in any way to mine?  If His parents did not make more sacrifices and mine made less? Then why do girls need permission to visit their parents? This, I believe is GENDER DISCRIMINATION in the real sense?

How many of you feel it’s wrong? How many of you feel the need to change it? How many of you are willing enough to stand up for yourself, for your parents, for your rights? Very few of us are blessed with in laws who understand this need of girls and thus support them. But majority of them are suffering silently. Unless all of us unite and act in congruity, nothing is going to change soon. The ones who dare to go against their husbands and take this step are being criticised and  their upbringing condemned. It pains me to see this plight of Indian women. They are so used to accepting wrongs that standing up for the RIGHTS looks like the scariest thing to them.

I wish it changes someday, very soon.  I wish none of our parents are left alone and unwanted when what they deserve is only love and care! I wish we realise that no relation can ever be maintained at the cost of another ! I wish we believe in ourselves and we be a role model to our next generations.

I am very lucky, I have 2 homes – HOME – the place where I was born, well even my dad was born in the same house and then PA which we (my husband and I) call home. I am very grateful and can’t thank my parents enough for brining up us girls no different to any boys I know. For instilling in us the values and the strength not just to become good and responsible wives and daughters-in-law but also to be good and responsible daughters.

Married couples are liable to take care of both set of parents, not just the husband’s.

Sankirt Galande started this petition with a single signature, and now has 35,444 supporters. This needs 50000 signatures before it can be submitted to the PMO and the

– I believe, support and practice this. Do you?

Even if we can’t change the law, lets change the “mindset”.

By signing this petition you are also morally committed to it.  No matter what you do, or who you are, each of us have the capacity to bring the change in our own way as long as we truly want the change.

Lets keep the ball rolling, share the petitions on your fb walls, tweet and retweet it, tag your like minded friends and relatives, more importantly tag the differently-minded people whose mindsets actually require changing.

 

This is a story about control

This is a story about control
My control
Control of what I say
Control of what I do
And this time I’m gonna do it my way
I hope you enjoy this as much as I do
Are we ready?

I am
Cause it’s all about control
And I’ve got lots of it

“Control” is the title song of Janet Jackson’s third album. The song peaked at #5 on the Billboard Hot 100 and topped Billboard’s dance & R&B charts in 1986. It was also certified Gold by the RIAA.

Control is the power to influence or direct people’s behaviour and the course of events.

“Chips thru’ your lips will show forever on your hips”

I can hear my sister’s voice in my head every time a see a bag of chips. Chips and I used to be best friends, now its like – I love you as a friend but you need to give me my space.

In the past 19 months, I have gained 10 kgs and 4 inches around my waistline. That is unbelievable right? Yes, I thought so too and haven’t seen the face of my weighing scale since it told me the truth. Yes, the harsh truth. May be I should make peace with the scales and renew my friendship with them. It (Scales) is my friend after all who speaks the truth in private at my face and never speaks behind my back.

I hate to reveal the implications of not just chips but anything that is spicy, tasty, salty and sugary. My favourite jeans and dresses have reached the bottom shelf of my closet, away from sight. Not that ‘out of sight is out of mind”. They still occupy the prime real estate spot in my mind.

Life comes with all its hidden twists and turns I haven’t been able to handle it well lately. Food has become a comforter along the drive. I end up eating when I am tired, when I’m hungry,  when I’m angry and also when I’m stressed. I can’t resist my mom’s cooking and I love eating out.

A voice in my brain tells me all the time – It’s becomes very difficult to fight the consequences after the deed is done. It is a better and safer option to embrace the size you have grown into and shop for a new wardrobe.

Another, very feeble voice from somewhere deep within says – take control of your life. You have the power to influence what passes thru’ your lips. You can directly influence your behaviour, the consequences of which you will be proud to flaunt.

I must to hang up the beautiful dress and hip hugging jeans on the door of my wardrobe. I must be mindful of the amount of food that passes thru’ my lips, no matter how delicious, how appetising and how comforting they look and feel.

To believe that not too far in the near future that I can and that I will get into my favourite dress and my hip hugging jeans will be to take control of my actions. This control and consequences of this control over my food intake will not just be a wardrobe changer but will be a life changer too.

Patan Patola Saree

Respect to these craftsmen who are artists. You’ve often seen women drape these beautiful sarees, now know how each piece gets crafted